I Dress Up As Dr. Spencer Reid for Halloween
by Liz G. Fisher
Wheels up on complicated gender feelings
because I look so good in a necktie and sweater vest.
We’re on the BAU jet. Reid is telling me about
ironic process theory, colloquially known as the white bear problem,
named after an experiment where participants were told not to
think of a white bear and told to ring a bell every time they did.
Try not to think about a white bear, he says.
There’s a handbell choir inside my brain. Polar bears
are drinking Coke and talking about gender theory.
I ask if the bears are supposed to talk to me
but Spencer’s grinning smugly
because he knows I’m thinking about them.
Ring a bell.
My gender is a white bear that I stopped thinking about when
I figured out I related to male characters because I wanted their girlfriends.
My gender is a white bear I started thinking about again
when I realized that wasn’t quite right.
Now my brain is a Coke-a-Cola commercial
the bears are sledding through.
I know what it feels like to be a snow globe.
I know what it feels like to be in the middle of the blizzard,
digging through the graveyard dirt to resurrect the buried
versions of me. Fingernails caked with dirt and rot,
I’m playing twenty questions with 17-year-old me
and her Avril Lavigne-inspired skinny tie phase,
21-year-old me with the pink combat boots and push-up bras,
30-year-old me with her long hair and longer skirts.
Spencer says he’s always found gender to be an imprecise concept.
It’s a product, really, he says, as he cracks open a Diet Coke
and turns into a polar bear in glasses and a grey blazer.
Has anything ever felt simple to you? I ask.
Never, he assures me. Absolutely not.
So we have that in common.
Liz G. Fisher (they/she) has loved writing, cats, and falling for fictional characters since childhood. They continue to explore the world and imagine a better one through their words. They live in Michigan with two charming felines, Han and Lando. Their first book, Looking Up at the Sparkle, is coming out in 2027 with Riot in Your Throat Press. Their idea of a perfect date is dinner at a vegan restaurant, chocolate cake for dessert, and a trip to a cat cafe. Find their work at lizfisherwriter.wordpress.com.
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